Many couples suffer in silence because of shame, culture, religion, fear, children, money, or immigration status.
Love Should Never Kill: Breaking the Silence on Domestic Violence, Homicide, and Suicide
By Zvakwana Sweto.
I write this with a heavy heart…
In many homes, love has been replaced by fear. What begins as affection can slowly turn into control, jealousy, isolation, and violence. Domestic violence is not just hitting. It is a pattern of power and control: emotional, financial, sexual, digital, spiritual, and physical.
When respect for human life disappears, a marriage can become a danger zone. Sometimes one spouse kills the other. Sometimes a person takes their own life. Sometimes it ends in murder-suicide. These are not private family matters. They are human tragedies that demand our attention.
According to my own understanding and research, most domestic violence is not mutual. It is usually one person using power and control over another. When a partner begins to see the other as property, an obstacle, or an object rather than a human being with rights and dignity, violence becomes possible.
Below are a few factors that increase the danger of why people end up killing their spouses:
- Escalation: Violence often gets worse over time. What starts as pushing or threats can become strangulation or weapons.
- Untreated mental illness and addiction: These can increase risk, but they do not excuse abuse or murder. Violence is a choice.
- Access to firearms: The presence of a gun in a violent home greatly increases the risk of homicide.
- Separation: The most dangerous time for a victim is often when they try to leave. An abuser may feel they are losing control and become lethal.
- Jealousy and possessiveness: “If I can’t have you, no one can” is a deadly mindset.
- Dehumanization: When someone stops seeing their partner as human, empathy shuts down. This is the loss of respect for human life.
- Cultural and religious silence: When communities tell victims to “keep the family together” at all costs, they can trap people in danger.
Believe it or not, couples do not kill each other because they “love too much.” They kill because of entitlement, rage, control, untreated trauma, and a belief that another person belongs to them. That is not love. It is abuse.
Why Spouses Commit Suicide?
Suicide in marriage is often misunderstood. There are different paths that lead to it.
Victims of abuse may feel trapped. They may be isolated from friends and family, financially controlled, threatened with losing their children, or afraid of being killed if they leave. Depression, post-traumatic stress, shame, and exhaustion can make death feel like the only escape. Many victims do not want to die; they want the pain to stop.
Abusers may attempt or complete suicide after killing their partner, or when they face arrest, divorce, or public shame. For some, suicide is a final act of control. For others, it comes from guilt, panic, or mental illness.
Spouses in non-violent but deeply troubled marriages may also become suicidal. Infidelity, financial ruin, chronic illness, addiction, loneliness, and untreated depression can push someone to the edge. Suicide is not a sign of weakness. It is a health crisis, and it is preventable.
Many couples suffer in silence because of shame, culture, religion, fear, children, money, or immigration status. They tell themselves, “It will get better,” or “I don’t want to destroy the family.” But silence does not protect the family. It allows danger to grow.
If something serious is happening in your marriage; violence, threats, infidelity, addiction, deep resentment, suicidal thoughts, or thoughts of revenge….open your mouth before it is too late. Speak to someone you trust. Speak to a professional. Do not wait until someone is dead.
Families, faith leaders, friends, and workplaces must stop treating domestic violence as a private matter. Believe victims. Hold abusers accountable. Teach young people that love is respect, not control. Fund shelters, counselling, and crisis services. Speak up when you see warning signs.
As a final word to all lovely couples, people in relationships, and those wishing to get married, human life is sacred. Marriage is meant to be a place of safety, not a death sentence. If your marriage is in crisis, do not suffer alone. Open up. Seek counselling. Get advice. You are not alone. Help is available. Choose life, for yourself, for your children, and for the person you once promised to love.
